Their increasing self-sufficiency is great in many regards. However, instead of seeing this as an opportunity to focus more on my career, I’m actually feeling the opposite. I now want to spend more time doing things with them as it seems like they’re starting to need me less.

Work is busier than it used to be and it’s bothering me. I miss not being able to take them here, there and everywhere during half terms, and fear that soon my eldest will be too old to want to come out with her younger sisters and me anyway.

I’m lamenting all those times I’ve been with them, but not properly because I was checking an email on my phone or mentally composing one.

Out of balance

I feel work is taking over and I’ve lost some of my family focus. I’ve dropped the ball on a couple of things lately. For instance, thinking the twins were on school dinners one particular day. They weren’t and I sent them in without a packed lunch. My husband said it was an easy thing to do (they chop and change with their lunch plans) and it was the first time it had ever happened. Precisely, I thought, I’d never let that happen before and now I had.

My mind is always darting from one thing to another and I seem to be constantly cramming everything in.

Crossroads

I’m at a real crossroads.

I have huge imposter syndrome, but in this case it’s actually justified. After falling into PR, I feel I’ve bobbed along without ever having a real aptitude. I wake up with work on my mind, it dominates my thoughts in the evening and I’m working longer hours; that naturally impacts how I am as a parent.

I really enjoy meal planning, shopping for ingredients and cooking when I have time. However, during the week it’s much more of a chore than a pleasure as I try to shoehorn it in amongst work. Similarly, I pine for the weekend and when it comes, we do have great family time together, but I spend a lot of time catching up on the stuff I didn’t get done in the week.

Working – what next?

I really feel like I want to climb off for a bit and take the time to enjoy my family more. If I did stop working, would I then end up with too much time on my hands whilst the children are at school? Could I ever go back to work if I did ‘take a break’? Would I really miss making a significant contribution to the family finances? Could I explore other interests? Yes, no, maybe.

What next? Truth is, I really don’t know. I do know that I need to change something.

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She is bright and hugely enthusiastic about pretty much everything. I’m sure she’ll be afforded many opportunities as well as creating her own. I was an extremely enthusiastic child, allegedly fairly bright, and was definitely given the encouragement and means to pursue whatever I wanted.

Choosing a career

The problem is, I don’t think I ever truly figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was interested in the media and English, which led to a  humanities degree incorporating media studies and linguistics. Then came a 14-year career in PR. These seemed like good choices. However, I don’t think it was what I ever really envisaged myself doing. I don’t believe it was my true vocation.

I loved crime dramas/fiction when I was much younger and fancied myself as a bit of a Nancy Drew or female Columbo. Then more recently a Detective Superintendent Stella Gibson or DC Dinah Kowalski. I think detective work would have suited my tenacious, inquisitive, investigative nature well. At one point I was extremely interested in the idea of forensic linguistics. However, for some reason I didn’t really think it was a realistic choice. I also questioned the viability of a career as a scriptwriter when I became interested in that. 

My mum died whilst I was in my final year at university. She knew me better than I know/knew myself and I genuinely think she’d have suggested (definitely not in a pushy way) something and I would have had an epiphany moment. She would certainly have nurtured and encouraged anything I was toying with – scriptwriting and detective work for example.

Now my issue is that motherhood has fundamentally changed me. I work (and enjoy working), but I don’t want to work full-time and, dare I say it, I now lack the ambition and perhaps the confidence for a complete change of direction. Again, I think my mum would have helped me here. I sometimes feel like I’ve missed the boat. Although  I’m not actually sure what type of boat that was and where it was going.

However – and this is a BIG however – if I hadn’t chosen the path I did, I would have missed out on a lot of fun, travel, friends and experiences; I wouldn’t have met my wonderful husband and had our three amazing children.

I’m still working on that winning Dragon’s Den idea though…

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