Separations and divorce are a difficult time for any adult, but when children are involved their physical and emotional wellbeing is the main priority. Family break-ups can create emotional distress for children if not handled in the right way.

Henry Brookman, senior divorce lawyer of Brookman Solicitors provides his expert insight into how to manage this difficult situation…

Reassure

During a separation children can go through a multitude of emotions. Sadness, confusion and guilt can affect their wellbeing, so you should both provide plenty of support and reassurance. Reassure your child that you still love and care for them, just like before. Make sure they understand they are of the utmost importance to you and that your love for them won’t change.

If you have multiple children, try to spend quality time with each of them individually. This will help ensure they all feel special, cared for and listened to. Additionally, make it a priority to ensure your children know the separation is not their fault. Emphasise that this was a decision made by both parents.

Children often blame themselves and pinpoint things they have said or done which may have caused the break-up. Placate their minds and let them know that this is definitely not the case.

Shield

Children shouldn’t be exposed to any adult acrimony. Bitterness or ill-feelings towards the other party should be kept well out of sight. When you talk about the break-up, limit what you tell them to what they need to know. Whether your separation is mutual and amicable or filled with animosity and resentment, children should be shielded from any potentially damaging adult issues.

How you break the news to them is also a very important step. Where possible, tell them as a couple to keep an authoritative and united front together as parents. Try to give age-appropriate information. Keep in mind that older children may want to understand and know more. Setting ground rules with the other parent is a good idea. Agree to keep things positive, avoid arguments and to always remain amicable while your children are present.

Encourage

Regardless of your efforts, this will be a difficult time for your children and it needs to be managed appropriately. Encourage them to be open and honest with their feelings. You don’t want them to bottle things up and deal with complex emotions on their own. Children can find it challenging to express their true thoughts, fears and feelings; be patient and allow them to open up without interrupting. Listen to what they say and answer their questions as best as you can. Encourage them to be open with you and the other parent. They should never be made to feel disloyal for speaking to either of you.

Negative behaviour changes such as anxiety, aggression, loss of appetite or trouble at school can be normal for children as they struggle to process difficult emotions. They may benefit from speaking to a doctor, psychologist, social worker or even close family member or friend who can act as a confidante. Getting them to talk and express their feelings is a fundamental step in ensuring they are in a positive mindset going forward.

About the Author

Henry Brookman is a divorce solicitor and senior partner at Brookman, a highly experienced family law firm with expertise in a full range of family legal matters including: divorce in the UK and internationally, complex financial issues, property settlements and children’s matters. Brookman is ranked by the Legal 500 and has been awarded the Law Society’s quality mark, Lexcel. For more information visit: www.brookman.co.uk.

Another post you might find interesting: Will Aid Month – Getting Wills Drafted

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This is connected with the portrayal of women in many traditional fairy tales. Female characters are often seen waiting around to be saved by a man, giving it all up for a man or being generally misty-eyed over a man.

Is banning fairy tales the answer?

I agree with Keira Knightly that female characters in fairy tales are often presented as passive and compliant. However, I don’t agree with simply erasing them from the bookshelf or DVD collection.

Do I ban my eldest from watching Newsround as she may me confronted with stories and images of female oppression and think this is the norm and acceptable? Of course not. Have we ever watched an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras and been totally gobsmacked and repulsed (if slightly fascinated)? Yes. We watch and read things and then questions are asked and we discuss it. Similarly, the characterisation of females in traditional fairy tales can act as a springboard for talking about different female roles.

We need to give children a bit of credit. They can consume media and interpret it; they’re not just passive in the process. If weak, needy female characters are the only ones children are ever exposed to then it is a problem. However, if they have access to a range of books, programmes and films and are exposed to female characters across the spectrum – from the slightly drippy to the kickass – it gives them the scope to draw their own conclusions and challenge passive representations.

Project MC² – S.T.E.A.M (Science, Technology, Engineering, Art & Mathematics). Popular amongst my lot

Research carried out on 2,000 UK-based parents by cartridgesave.co.uk (Parents believe classic fairytales are outdated) revealed that one in three parents admit to altering the ending of their children’s favourite bedtime story to make them more modern.   

Parents need to teach good social values

I’m not a psychologist, but I’d say that the majority of childrens’ ideas about social behaviour, gender roles and society in general come from their parents and – to an extent – wider family. I’m sure some girls would just like to find their ‘prince’, marry and live happily ever after. However, plenty will want to smash glass ceilings, reach for the stars, realise their full potential and incidentally live happily ever after (with or without a partner). Pluralism and parental guidance are key: lead by example.

The post Should Fairy Tales be Banned? appeared first on The Parent Social.

Pocket Money Habits

She was asking as they currently give £1 a week but were informed by their daughter that ALL her friends got more.

There were a variety of responses including:

• My two get £2 per week which they can spend on anything they like. If they don’t do their jobs and keep their rooms tidy, it goes down…..

• Only in return for little jobs like clearing the dinner table, plumping the sofa cushions (!) and making sure he wipes away the toothpaste from the sink bowl.

• My daughter has £3 a week (when we remember!). She has 3 money boxes, £1 each: One for spending, one for sharing and one for saving. But if I’m buying a magazine or something for her brother and she wants one, I’ll substitute the spending £1 for that. She saved £42 of her spending one to buy a suitcase from Smiggle!

• Emily earns money for good behaviour; she normally gets between £2-£3 a week.

• They only get money if they do extra jobs ie hoover car/stairs. Hence they don’t get money every week!

goHenry

Then someone mentioned goHenry cards. They said they found them good as they give an idea of what the going rate is for certain age groups.

I immediately looked into it.

We’ve just received Sofia’s card and she could not be more excited. We haven’t learnt the full ins and outs yet, but it’s for children aged 6-18, and essentially you have parental control of a pre-paid card and app. I fund my own linked account and then can automatically transfer a set amount of weekly pocket money on the proviso that chores are done. I can also do one-off transfers and take money out of her account. Sofia can use the card at cashpoints to withdraw money and can use it as a debit card in shops. I can set a maximum spend per month and there are loads of features such as charting spending versus saving.

The post How Much Pocket Money is the right amount? appeared first on The Parent Social.

Is your child prepared for a Smartphone?

Before we rush to buy our child a Smartphone, we need to take a serious look at our child’s responsibility and judgment skills. Research estimates that 75% of eight-year-olds access “smart” devices on a regular basis. Furthermore, 78% of teens possess their own mobile phone. All this connectivity doesn’t necessarily mean children have the know-how to navigate full-time ownership of a Smartphone.

Children might understand how to tap a screen or send a friend request, but often lack the required etiquette and obligation that comes with being a citizen of the digital world. Take a minute and ask yourself the following questions:

• Is my son or daughter able to make good choices or demonstrate mature reasoning?
• Can my child properly care for his or her belongings?
• Does my child understand the permanence of social media and the Internet?
• Has our family talked about social media etiquette?

If you answered “no” to any of the above questions, it might be wise to forgo the Smartphone this year. However, if you answered “yes” your child is a good candidate for owning his or her own device. Thankfully, parents can take steps to safeguard their children from the dizzying world of sexting, online predators, cyber bullies and disappearing messages.

Six ways to ring in responsible Smartphone use

To help your child navigate Smartphone ownership, here are six tips to ensure they are safely messaging or snapping photos with their friends:

• It is important to know the common pitfalls children encounter on the Internet and social media. Did you know that sexting is now considered a ‘normal‘ part of development? Or that cyber-bullying rates have tripled within the last year? Understanding the realities of what children face is critical if we are to help them avoid the dangers lurking behind the glow of their screen.
• Take a few minutes to walk your child through their privacy settings. Ensure they are protected and safely using their device.
• Begin an on-going dialogue regarding social media etiquette, online predators, sexting and cyber-bullying. Discuss the permanence of social media. As a child gets older, you can broach these tough topics. However, make sure they understand that the Internet never forgets and what they post today can haunt them for a long time.
• Take advantage of monitoring software to know your child’s Internet and mobile phone behaviours. This is critical in the beginning as children still need guidance as they learn new skills. However, as a child matures and demonstrates responsible Smartphone ownership, you can loosen the reins and allow more independence.
• Limit technology to common living areas and keep devices out of bedrooms. This allows parents to keep an eye on activity and spot trouble before it spirals out of control. It also ensures that a child’s Smartphone doesn’t interfere with their sleep or homework.
• Create a contract for owning a Smartphone. Sit down as a family and develop a document that states the expectations and outlines consequences. Outlining the rules ultimately helps prevent future disagreements and problems from developing.

Will your child be receiving a Smartphone any time soon?

You might like: Sadfishing and Other Social Media Pitfalls for Children  

Freelance writer and tech geek, Hilary Smith, specializes in covering the world of digital parenting. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern. This Texas native braves the winters in Chicago with her ever-so-slightly spoiled English bulldog, Chauncey, and her two children aged 4 and 7. 

The post Things To Consider Before Giving Your Child A Smartphone appeared first on The Parent Social.

Join The Twins Trust 

The Twins Trust (formerly TAMBA) provides a tonne of help and support for those expecting multiples and then for after the babies are born. We attended one of their courses before our twins arrived and it was invaluable. The £2.25 a month membership also gets you a monthly magazine and discounts at leading retailers such as Clarks, MAM, Start-rite and JoJo Maman Bebe. I’ve saved loads over the years

Stock up on basic clothes

Buy lots of vests aka bodysuits and basic sleep suits. I’m not saying don’t have anything for ‘best’ (I loved having beautiful, pretty sleep suits) but with twins there’s obviously double the chance of an outfit needing to be changed due to an explosive poo or massive possetting session. It pays to have plenty of easy-opening, non-fiddly garments on hand. Sainsbury’s stock plenty of affordable short-sleeved bodysuits

Invest in a roomy changing bag

It doesn’t have to be a mega expensive one, just one that has enough space for double the amount of baby stuff. It needs to have a few sections/pockets for separating feeding and changing paraphernalia, and for storing changes of clothes. However, I’d recommend not going for something with too many hidey holes otherwise you just spend your entire time searching for things (like I do in my handbag). A rucksack is a good alternative. Boots currently has a huge selection of changing bags starting at £14.99.

Changing tables

You don’t have to double up on everything when you have twins, but if you live in a property with two floors I can’t recommend enough having two changing tables. It saves you having to cart two babies up and down the stairs every time one of them needs changing. Check out sites such as Preloved UK or Gumtree to get good deals

Bulk buy nappies

Newborns have an average of 6-10 nappy changes a day, so there’s the potential for needing 20 nappies a day with twins. BumDeal is a great nappy price comparison website. It is updated very regularly with all the latest deals. When mine were older I bought Mega packs from Boots with 86 nappies in. They were pretty good on price and I got my Advantage points. Boots has a deal on right now: Nappies

Baby bath seat 

I invested in two baby bath supports. They just stick (very securely) with suckers into the normal bath. They were brilliant. It meant that I could have both, fully supported, in the bath at the same time. It also meant that I didn’t have to find a home for a big baby bath.

Just the one cot

I had my twins in Moses baskets to begin with and then when they outgrew those they shared a cot bed. They obviously got too big to share in the end, but it helped to spread the cost.

Second hand

This goes for anyone expecting, but even more so with twins: buy second hand to save money. Mum2Mum markets, NCT Nearly New Sales and the likes of Gumtree and Preloved UK can be treasure troves. There are also lots of great local selling sites for childrens’ things on Facebook. Similarly sell stuff when you’re done with it. I do this a lot. Read more about this here

Lower expectations 

You have to be realistic and a lot more flexible with twins as opposed to a singleton. Having felt that for baby number one I did things to the best of my abilities, I struggled a little when I was no longer able to do everything ‘perfectly’ with three. It’s not the end of the world if they have to wait a few minutes for a feed, you don’t have to rush over as soon as there’s a whimper, they can have a sleep en route to somewhere so that you can leave when you need to, there will be times when both babies are crying at the same time and you can only comfort one. That’s ok. You can attend to the other in a few minutes, they won’t hate you forever. In fact I think it’s actually quite good if they don’t get your attention straight away all of the time and that they too have to adapt a little

Feeding

If you’re breastfeeding I’d recommend tandem feeding (if you can). It was so much quicker to breastfeed the girls together. It wasn’t practical when out and about (no amount of muslins make tandem breastfeeding discreet), but whenever I could I did. I used the ‘rugby ball hold.’ Katherine Rosman has a very detailed guide about lots of breast feeding positions and methods. I found a breast feeding pillow (as in the above pic) very helpful, but you could just use cushions.

Try on a bottle asap (if you’re breastfeeding)

This is a very personal choice but from my experience, I’d recommend trying them on a bottle within a few days of being born. Health Visitors recommend waiting six weeks before trying a breastfed baby on a bottle to avoid confusion. However, I tried all three of mine a few days in on a bottle and there was no problem. Many of my friends that waited six weeks couldn’t get their babies to take a bottle. Having the option of a bottle really provides some flexibility as someone else can help out from time-to-time (and shock, horror, you might be able to go out). My husband bottle fed them my expressed milk for one night feed every night, a few weeks in, which really helped. Quite a few months later we switched the one bottle feed of the day to formula. Read: Breastfeeding a bottle fed baby

Invest in a good breast pump

If you plan to express, get a good pump. I had a hand pump for my first baby and soon changed to electric as it was really making my wrists ache and was very laborious and time-consuming. The electric pump was much better at extracting milk fast and efficiently. With twins, I upgraded to a double pump. If I had to do it again for a single baby I’d also get a double pump (certainly not essential for a single baby though). For me, Medela was better than Avent. A breast feeding bustier is also very useful so that you can pump ‘hands free’!

When one baby wakes for a feed, wake the other 

Despite the fact that I was tandem feeding wherever possible, it took me 10 weeks of a ridiculous number of nighttime feeds to figure this one out: when one baby wakes up and starts crying for a feed, wake the other one up and feed them at the same time

First park walk at 4 days old (I’m 5ft so it’s quite a compact pram)

Research the buggy/pram/travel system

These things really don’t come cheap, so it really is worth doing the research. Think about the size of your front door. Would a side-by-side fit through easily? Are you going to be walking nearly all of the time or are you frequently going to need to fold/dismantle the thing to sling in the back of the car? Would it fit comfortably in the boot? Are you going to be mainly pounding the pavements of the urban jungle or will you be going ‘off road’ quite a bit? All of these things need to be considered and will ultimately influence what you buy.

I had the iCandy Peach Blossom and absolutely loved it. It was hugely expensive but had the seats and the carry cots (which I sold when outgrown), was really versatile, easy to push, didn’t look like a monster and completely fit in with all of my requirements. It was also compatible with the car seats making life that bit easier. The system lasted them ages and I was still able to sell it for a good price when I was done.

Oh, and you might want to prepare yourself… 16 Things You’re Likely to Hear When You Have Twins.

The post Twins: 14 Tips for Parents who are Expecting Multiples appeared first on The Parent Social.

My eldest daughter (aged six) has a Christmas/birthday list that has about five different named make-up sets on it. She already has quite a bit of the stuff already (I have never bought her any myself) and last weekend spent loads of her own money trying to win a nail polish set on the tombola at a Christmas fayre. Her four-year-old twin sisters don’t own any, but use their big sister’s; sometimes with permission, but usually without.

I certainly don’t make a big thing of putting on make-up and my whole routine takes less than five minutes, so where has the obsession come from? Should I be worried that they’ve all taken to preening themselves in front of the mirror and that the younger two are always banging on about wanting to wear ‘beautiful dresses’?

Two in Three British Mothers Allow Daughters Under 8 to Have Professional Beauty Treatments

Yesterday I received a press release, which simultaneously reassured and alarmed me. The headline: Two in Three British Mothers Allow Daughters Under 8 to Have Professional Beauty Treatments. This reassured me that their behaviour is probably pretty harmless comparatively-speaking, but professional beauty treatments for the under 8’s, really? I think I was in my early twenties before I had my first professional manicure, let alone anything else.

The release, based on research from The British Association of Beauty Therapists and Cosmetologists (BABTAC), went on to say that a third stated that their child underwent professional beauty services ‘regularly’. Apparently three-quarters of those who did let their daughters have treatments said that they improved their child’s confidence levels. How very sad.

So where do I draw the line? Currently my eldest is allowed lip gloss and nail varnish for parties (she dabbles with eye shadow, but I don’t let her leave the house with it on) and the twins are allowed just nail varnish for parties.

What I’m struggling with is where experimenting, being a bit creative and having fun crosses into more worrying territory; a territory where girls are completely obsessed about their appearance and are actually using make-up and demanding beauty treatments to feel better about themselves.

The post Girls, Make-Up and Self-Image appeared first on The Parent Social.

For the second tooth, the Tooth Fairy only remembered after midnight and wasn’t particularly discreet and then for the third tooth, she did remember her visit and to leave the money late Saturday night (well after wine o’clock had started), but forgot to take the tooth away until her husband mentioned it. Luckily tooth number four fell out two days after number three so that went a little smoother.

I mentioned my rookie Tooth Fairy mistake on Facebook (the leaving the money but not taking the tooth episode) and it appears this fairy isn’t alone.

Tooth Fairy bloopers

“At least you realised, our tooth fairy came twice last time and then not until after breakfast this time. Although amazingly the £1 fell out of Jim’s* pyjamas!” 

—

“Tooth Fairies are delinquent – this is a fact

They are: 

1) forgetful 
2) inconsistent
3) confused about day and night
4) illiterate – especially when they have been drinking 

I have found that setting the children’s expectations very low about what, when and how this fairy operates has been a very good thing!!!”

——-

“Jane’s* tooth came out at my parent’s house last night, whilst we were away….the tooth fairy (male aged 67ish) remembered at 4 a.m. but then dropped the tooth on the way out of the room for Jane to step on in the morning….!!! This was one out of practise tooth fairy.”

——-

“Our tooth fairy has left a few notes explaining why she couldn’t come on a particular night (the one where it was raining too hard for her wings to fly created a lot of sympathy). Receiving the notes has been more exciting than the money!”

——–

“Our tooth fairy was late when she was helping Father Christmas out….apparently they are related!”

I think children have fairly high expectations about the Tooth Fairy, but fairies have increasingly busy lives and have a lot on their plates. I think we should forgive them any little indiscretions and salute their quick, creative thinking.

By the way, Fairydoorz do some great items specifically for Tooth Fairies if you are going the whole hog.

The post The Tooth Fairy is a Bit of a Lush appeared first on The Parent Social.

I checked EasyJet for flights last week and it’s the same old story: flight prices skyrocketing during the school holidays. I haven’t even bothered checking accommodation as the price for five of us to fly is already too much of a barrier. I’m talking about an extra £800 premium on EasyJet during half term.

Can you justify taking them out in term time?

Sofia is in year two at school and she’s only ever had one day off full stop. I’ve never taken her out so that we can go on holiday. However, I am getting increasingly frustrated that travel companies are holding us to ransom. I still won’t take her out, not because of the fine, but a) she wouldn’t want to miss school and b) I think it can be disruptive. That said, I certainly understand why others would.

Coincidentally, as I was looking into extortionate flights,  I was sent a press release conducted by online travel agency www.sunshine.co.uk. The headline stated: Half of Parents Will Take Their Kids Out of School for Holidays Over Next 12 Months.

According to their research, 82% of the 1996 parents surveyed, with children between the ages of four and 16, said that they would be prepared to pay a fine, with almost half saying they actually plan to take their children out of school for a holiday during term time (apparently up 104% from the previous year). Unsurprisingly, the majority said they’d do it in order to save money on their trip.

I have to say, I’m not that surprised. As with all good PR stories, attention is drawn to regional differences. Liverpudlians were the most likely to take their children out of school during term time and Bristolians the least likely.

In the meantime perhaps we should all push for our schools to emulate the South Wales primary school that’s tacking all its inset days together in order to gain a week’s holiday outside of the standard school calendar…

• You might want to read: Fitness to Fly Certificate During Pregnancy

The post Family Holidays During Term Time v Half Term appeared first on The Parent Social.

2) You didn’t have to contemplate what designer dress you would wear on leaving hospital hours after giving birth and consider whether your choice would be well-received or slated. Your biggest style dilemma was probably whether to dress your – still very noticeable – bump in over- or under-the-bump leggings

3) Ok, being preened by others so you look wonderful sounds nice on the face of it, but would you really want people fussing about blowdrying your hair, applying your make up for ages and squeezing your still swollen feet into heeled shoes? A quick flash of a mascara wand, a touch of Touche éclat under the eyes and a bit of lippy = job done in two minutes and then out of there

4) You didn’t have a photo call 12 hours after giving birth, with the pictures ending up in every UK paper and around the world. You probably had a few private snapshots, which you may have shared on Facebook if you were feeling particularly brave. You certainly didn’t care about whether you had a VMPL (Visible Maternity Panty Line)

5) You weren’t constrained by tradition when it came to name choices for your baby. Let’s face it, she was never going to be Princess Daiquiri or Princess Audi (both appeared on the list of unusual baby names 2014)

6) The world and its wife didn’t debate about your naming decision let alone run a book on it. Although family and friends may or may not have ‘discussed it’ in private

7) You didn’t have to prepare for The Queen coming over when your baby was three days old. The Telegraph is streaming live updates on this and also includes this useful counter… WHAT ON EARTH?

8) You didn’t have to get your boobs out in front of ma’am and her entourage

9)  You weren’t touted as a potential ‘Breastfeeding Ambassador’

10) You could be yourself

The post 10 Reasons to Be Thankful You’re Not a Royal Mother appeared first on The Parent Social.

These are some of the most common (well-meaning!?!) responses you are likely to get if you have two (or more) …

You’ve got your hands full!

• Two for the price of one!

• You’ve got your hands full (especially if you have another child)

• Are they natural? No they are made out of plastic!?  

• Buy one, get one free! (yes, indeed BOGOF) 

• Just wait until they’re both walking – Why what’s going to happen? 

• Double trouble! Sometimes followed up with, “but double the joy”

• I bet they keep you busy – you wouldn’t believe. Let me tell you about it…  

• Just wait until they’re both teenagers

• Do you feed them yourself?

Getting ready for a feed. Yes, I did feed them myself…

• Just wait until they’re both (insert any milestone you wish)

• Double the work, but double the joy

• Are they good?  – no they tag team so that they compound my sleep deprivation

• Ooo, I don’t know how you manage – you just have to! 

• Multiple mums are special (!?)

• I always wanted twins – It is amazing just how many people say this. Always amusing to ask if they’d like one 

• Are they identical? What these twins that look nothing alike? These twins where one is a boy and the other is a girl? Are they identical!?

I would love to hear of any of your top ones. Please comment below.

More reading on multiples

Should twins be separated at school? 

Multiples Illuminated: Life with Twins & Triplets

14 top tips for parents expecting multiples

Having twins after baby number one 

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